jekyll and hyde 6
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(7/23/06 12:33 am)
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"Admissions" (Zach & Kendall)
A/N: This is based on the 5/3/06 episode of AMC, aka "Zex". I felt a little cheated (translation = partial chest sighting among other things), so I decided to re-write it. The dialogue is exactly the same, and I'm sure you can guess where I veered off.
I hope you enjoy it. - Liz
"You were right, Zach. I want him. I want my son more than my own life. And I also want you." Kendall saw him smile and kept talking, needing to make him believe it. "I do, I want you. I -- I tried. I tried to get over you, I really did, but I couldn’t. And I didn't want things to be this way. I -- I kept waiting for you to do something wrong or -- or do something dreadful, and I tried to stop wanting you," she said almost apologetically. "I don't want to stop wanting you anymore." There. She said it. Promptly dropping her eyes, she took a deep breath.
"I don't want to be that girl,” she said as she raised her eyes to his. “That girl that I became the past couple of months..." Kendall glanced down at their hands, watching as each of their hands stroked and caressed the others. "You don't have to say anything..." Zach said as he focused on their hands as well, trying to let her off the hook, not wanting to push.
"Zach, I became that girl that I hated," she said disgustedly "The girl who was afraid of everything." She paused, her eyes raised to the ceiling. "Of life. Of choices -- of me. I mean, when I stopped trusting everyone, I stopped trusting myself. That girl that I thought I kicked to the curb and outgrew?" Kendall raised her eyebrows. "Well, she was back and she was terrified of everything...especially the big three."
"The big three," Zach repeated. ...Your baby?" he asked as he raised his eyebrows. "Yeah", she nodded. "Ok, what else?" he asked.
"Loving...Loving means trusting..." Kendall admitted with an apprehensive look on her face. Zach tilted his head "What about number three?"
"You," she said with a faint smile. "You scared me the most."
He scared her? Zach reached for Kendall's hand and picked it up, bringing it to his lips. At his intense gaze Kendall trembled, suddenly nervous, and slipped her hand out of his. Reaching down to lift the throw from her legs, Kendall tossed it to the foot of the bed and got up from the mattress.
"You always had more faith in me than I did," she said as she walked to the other side of the cabin. Zach followed, grabbing the throw off the end of the bed as he passed it and started folding it. "You don't always want to hear that."
"Yeah, well, I just wanted to go back to being the woman I was on New Year's Eve." Kendall smiled as she remembered that night. "I miss that woman very much," Zach admitted softly as he folded the throw in half then in quarters.
"I just wanted to move forward and be clear...and you made that possible." Kendall smiled, her excitement palpable. "So, bring it on!" she exclaimed as she moved to stand before him, her arms open wide. "Whatever it is, bring it on. I can take it." She let her eyes linger on his, her excitement fading. "Not to say you don't still scare the crap out of me."
Zach remained silent and waited for her to continue. Was she saying what he thought she was saying?
"It's about time I start trusting my own feelings again," she said as she paced, her hands clasping and unclasping in front of her. "Ok, I -- I am scared to death of having this baby and raising him, but -- but I want to anyway. I can't miss out on the chance to have him in my life, and I can't miss out on the chance to have you in my life. And I -- I am scared to death of my feelings for you.
"Because I let you down," Zach finished for her, his eyes on hers as he tossed the folded throw aside.
"Because of who you are, because of who I am, because you and me, us together -- I would have to change everything I've ever done. All of those nasty habits I've spent years perfecting -- gone. But I still want you anyway. "
"Yeah?” he asked, a small smile appearing on his face. "I didn't bring you here to change your mind about me,” he tried to reassure her.
Kendall ignored him, her eyes on his as she tried to explain "Every time I felt the ice ready to crack and break under me at any time, I would just run as fast as I can -- just run. I couldn't forgive anyone for anything. I mean, I stood here and I told you that I couldn't forgive Ryan for something that he did to me years ago. If someone betrayed me, I either hit back or I ran, or both. "
Zach rubbed his chin. "Ok. Well, if -- if you want to run, you should run, but it's just with the water and stuff, I'm -- I'm going to find you anyway, so --" He managed to get it all out with a straight face, watching as it drove her crazy.
"No, listen; would you stop, Zach, please? Ok, listen to me. Do you not get this?" Kendall asked in exasperation when he shrugged his shoulders, her hands and arms gesturing wildly. "I am -- I'm petrified. I am scared out of my mind. I'm -- I'm here, I'm on this -- this boat and all I see is the unforgivable, but all I want to do is forgive." Her eyes pleaded with him to understand.
"I brought you here so you could find what you lost. I didn't expect to be forgiven for anything."
"Yes, but I want to." she admitted. "God help me."
Zach’s eyes searched hers, the beginning of a smile on his face. "God help me," he said in amazement as he reached for her hands. "I always hoped you'd want me again," he said quietly.
Kendall's green eyes were bright with unshed tears. "I never stopped wanting you. Never."
Zach heart pounded in his chest. The urge to go to her and kiss her senseless was overwhelming but he could see she still needed to talk.
"I'm -- I'm not exactly the glass-half-full kind of person," Kendall admitted as she wrung her hands "And when it does get that way, I usually just..." She made a throwing motion with her hand. "...Throw it against the wall.
Zach tried hard not to chuckle and instead schooled his features. "Hmm. You know, I remember, that's how you decorated my apartment."
"Oh yeah, right," she agreed and nodded her head, the embarrassment over her behavior after Ethan's service tingeing her cheeks with pink.
"Mm-hmm," Zach agreed, waiting to see where she was going with her train of thought.
Kendall looked up at him with wide eyes. "You know we're not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be better off without you. And you're supposed to be pining for me forever...alone" Kendall rattled off what everyone, including herself, had said over the past few months. But she had to be honest. The picture of him pining away for her made her smile.
"Yeah," Zach agreed, knowing that he'd been doing exactly that ever since the blackout. He'd tried to keep himself busy to forget, but she was always there in his mind, in his heart...especially at night.
Kendall watched the play of emotions on his face before Zach looked down and avoided her gaze. "No, there's an argument for both, but it doesn't really make either one of us very happy," he pointed out. He took a deep breath and raised his eyes to hers. "Does it?"
Kendall looked at the man in front of her. This was it, the time to be honest. She plunged ahead, amazement and realization reflected in her green eyes. "And I want to be happy. And I want you happy. We're just supposed to be broken glass, shattered on the floor. But here we are - you, me, and my baby. And I love you both." Kendall picked up Zach's hand and placed it on her stomach, her unsure eyes locked on his. Zach smiled slightly and took a deep breath as he splayed his hand over her swollen stomach. He was awed at the feelings this physical contact generated inside him, but he wanted - no needed - for her to be sure.
Lifting his hand from her stomach, Kendall brought it to her lips. Holding his gaze, she kissed his fingers, a small smile playing about her lips. "I love you, Zach. Let me show you." Her beautiful green eyes were warm and soft.
Zach stood there for a moment, a slight smile on his face. She loved him. His smile faded away as her words registered, closing the distance between them and moving in slowly, placing his hands on either side of her neck and lifting her face for his kiss. It was a soft, tender kiss, yet the heat it generated scorched him inside. Kendall reached up, her right hand caressing his cheek before moving to the back of his neck to pull him closer and they kissed again. Zach deepened the kiss, groaning at the first real taste of her that he'd had in months.
Zach's hands slid down her neck only to be covered by hers. Kendall reached up and ran the back of her hand over his ear and wavy hair before moving both of her hands to the buttons of his peach linen shirt. She slid the first one out of its prison and stared at the strong, muscular chest it revealed. She raised her eyes slowly, her cheeks tinged with pink, and smiled as she met his warm gaze. Her fingers continued their mission, moving upwards and freeing the remaining buttons. He shifted before her and took a deep breath, moving closer as she parted the fabric and ran her hands over his hot, smooth skin. She caught his gaze again and waited, her hand reaching up behind his neck to hold him as she lifted herself up and pressed her lips against his for another kiss. She broke the kiss when her legs began to give and lowered herself back to the ground.
Kendall felt his hand on her side and lowered her gaze, watching as his fingers grasped the tie that kept the dress wrapped around her and pulled it slowly. Zach kept his eyes on hers as he unwrapped her as if she was a gift, parting the silk to reveal her child-laden body. She met his gaze as he slid his large, gentle hand over it and around her side as he buried his face in her neck. Kendall's eyes fluttered closed as she arched her neck giving him more access. She pulled away slightly and he bent his head to place a soft kiss on her shoulder as he slid the dress aside. Turning her so that her back was to him, Zach hugged her close, his broad, strong arm across her shoulders. Closing his eyes, he buried his face in her soft curls and inhaled deeply. She smelled like heaven.
He felt her begin to pull away and quickly opened his eyes, wrapping his arm around her and yanking her back. "Where do you think you're going?" he growled. Kendall laughed softly as her back connected with his solid body and reached up to touch his face. "I just wanted to see you." Zach loosened his grip and turned her towards him. "Then look at me," he whispered as he bent his head and captured her lips with his.
Kendall closed her eyes, lost in Zach's kiss, her hands sliding between them and up to Zach's shoulders. She pushed the shirt off of his broad shoulders and tugged it down his arms. Zach took off the shirt and tossed it aside without breaking the kiss, instead deepening it and pulling her closer. Kendall resisted, breaking the kiss and placing soft, wet kisses mouth down Zach's neck. "Oh no, you don't" she whispered, smiling against his skin. "I've waited too long to see that chest of yours." She could feel his sigh as it reverberated through his chest. "Kendall," he groaned, "please." Her eyes devoured him, the hot, smooth skin of his chest causing her heart to race. "You're beautiful," she breathed as she circled him slowly, watching as his chest rose and fell under her hungry gaze. She leaned forward and placed her open mouth against his skin, her tongue flicking over his nipple and she heard him curse. Smiling, she pulled back and ran her finger down the center of his chest, watching in fascination as the muscles beneath his skin jumped under her touch.
Zach grabbed her hand and held it out to the side, bending her arm behind her and using it to draw her to him. “Ok, you’ve had your fun. It’s my turn,” he growled. Kendall gasped as her skin came in contact with his and he took instant advantage, his mouth covering hers and his tongue thrusting inside. She sucked his tongue slowly as she pressed herself against him, groaning when she couldn’t get close enough. Zach released his grasp on her arm and slid his hands into her hair, anchoring her head while he wrestled control of the kiss back. He felt her small hands brush the front of his jeans on their way to his belt and thrust his hips forwards. She made quick work of his belt and managed to unzip his zipper before he moved her hands away and placed his hands on her shoulders.
He ended the kiss and leaned forward, placing his forehead against hers as he tried to catch his breath. It wasn’t working. Zach slid the dress off her shoulders and watched it fall to the floor in a puddle of green silk, leaving her in nothing but wisps of black silk. His hungry eyes traveled over her skin. "You're the one who's beautiful, Kendall.” He watched as a blush traveled from her face, down her neck and onto her chest. Interesting. He placed a soft kiss on her neck, his teeth nipping her skin gently as his hands slid down over her hips, and back up between her thighs. His fingers danced over the damp silk, a whisper of a caress that did nothing but make Kendall grind herself against his hand.
“Zach…” she whispered, “Please…don’t tease me.” At Zach’s muffled laugh, she decided to take matters in to her own hand…literally. Kendall reached down and pushed his jeans and boxers over his hips, her hand finding him hot, hard and ready. She stroked him slowly, hearing his breathing change as he pulsed in her hand. “I want-“ Her voice faded as he crushed his mouth to hers, his tongue stroking hers deliciously, making her lose her train of thought as he pressed himself further into her hand.
“Yes?” he murmured against her lips. “Tell me, Kendall” Zach coaxed her, his gaze on her soft, unfocused eyes. Kendall couldn’t speak, her breasts rising and falling rapidly as she tried to breathe. “I – I…” She couldn’t form a coherent thought to save her life, opting to show him instead. She reached up and pulled his head back to hers, opening her mouth under his and inviting him back inside as she threaded her fingers in his hair.
Somewhere in the back of her mind she realized she was moving. Zach had stepped out of the clothes at his ankles and begun directing her backwards. She was so sure that she was going to eventually reach the bed that she made a little sound in the back of her throat when her back was suddenly pressed up against a wall. Zach broke the kiss, his lips moving down her neck to her collarbone. He traced it slowly with his tongue before moving down to the valley between her breasts.
Kendall closed her eyes and let her head fall back, her breasts throbbing as she waited for his touch. She didn’t have long to wait. The front closure of her bra was snapped open with a slight flick of Zach’s wrist and then his hot mouth was on her, his tongue worrying her taut nipple before he took it into his mouth and suckled it for all he was worth. She moaned as the pulling sensation caused a rush of liquid desire to flood her core. His hands slid the bra from her body and flung it across the room, watching before his mouth moved to her other breast. Releasing her nipple, he began placing a series of soft wet kisses down her chest and over her stomach as his hands found the last scrap of silk that hid her from his gaze. He rolled the silk down over her hips and thighs, dragging it down to her ankles. “Kendall,” he called softly, his hand on her calf prompting her to lift her feet, one at a time, and step out of the silk. The combination of the cool night air and the heat of his breath on her made her legs tremble, forcing her to lean against the wall for support. She felt his hand sliding up her thigh and opened her eyes, only to suck in her breath and close them again. The picture of Zach, naked on his knees in front of her, his eyes hot, forever imbedded behind her eyes.
“Kendall, open your eyes,” he commanded softly. She opened them slowly, her eyes wary but unable to avoid Zach’s gaze. “I love you,” he whispered, “and I want you – all of you – more than I’ve wanted anyone or anything in my life.” Kendall couldn’t breathe, her heart pounding loudly in her ears. She managed to nod and watched as his eyes seemed to darken. He placed a gentle kiss on her trembling thigh before lifting it and placing it over his shoulder. Zach closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, his breath teasing her heated flesh before he leaned forward to taste her. He heard Kendall gasp and he groaned, his hands holding her open and still as he devoured her, his lips and tongue circling her swollen, wet flesh. He could feel her pulsing against him, her hips trying to move and increase the sensations he was generating.
Kendall reached down and grasped chunks of Zach’s hair as she felt herself begin to spiral out of control. “Zach,” she panted, “please…I need…” He paused for a moment and looked up at her, smiling as he saw the flush of color that was working its way up her chest. He caught her wild gaze and ran his tongue over his bottom lip. “I know what you need, Kendall. Let me give it to you.” She watched as he buried his face back between her legs, crying out in pleasure when he began to suck her swollen nub gently before flicking his tongue rhythmically against her. Before long she could feel her orgasm building, the sensations getting stronger and stronger. “Zach, I can’t...It’s too much,” she cried, sure that she wasn’t going to be able to stand in another minute.
Zach paused in his ministrations to reassure her, his breathing labored as he tried to slow down the oncoming onslaught of feeling. “I’ve got you, Kendall. Trust me. I won’t let you fall.” He reached for her hand and threaded his fingers through hers, placing their entwined hands over her stomach before picking up where he left off. Stroking her slowly with his tongue, he brought her back to the edge of orgasm, holding her there until she was mindless with need before plunging his tongue deep inside her and letting her freefall.
“Zach!” she screamed as fireworks exploded behind her eyes, her legs shaking with the force of her orgasm. Standing slowly, Zach kissed his way up her shaking body and pressed himself against her. Kendall lifted her leg up onto his thigh and moaned, the feel of him against her making her ache. “I need you inside me, Zach. Now” He bent his head and whispered in her ear. “The first time I'm inside you, I want you underneath me, beside me, surrounding me.” Zach nipped her lobe quickly with his teeth before soothing it with his tongue.
He eyed the distance to the bed and gathered Kendall to him, dragging her to the floor instead, gently rolling her in front of him. Kendall leaned her head back against his shoulder, her mouth blindly searching for his, and upon finding it, she thrust her tongue deep inside. She could feel his rock hard erection against her behind and moaning, she rubbed herself against it. “Make love to me, Zach” she whispered against his lips.
She didn’t have to ask twice. Reaching down, he lifted her leg and placed it over his, opening her for his possession. He entered her slowly from behind, sighing as he felt her body glove him. He began to move, slowly at first, savoring the sensations until Kendall moaned and began to move her hips, rocking them back and forth. “Don’t hold back, Zach. I need you,” she begged, her breathing labored. Her words spurred him forward and he began to thrust harder and faster. Reaching over her, he grasped her breast and kneaded it with his fingers, his thumb brushing the hardened nipple before squeezing it gently. He felt the answering squeeze as her inner walls tightened around his shaft. Kendall gasped at the sensation, slamming her hips back against him to take him deeper, unknowingly triggering her own release. Zach felt her begin to spasm around him and the sensation was too much to bear. He continued thrusting harder and deeper, trying to ride out her orgasm until he couldn’t stop the explosive one of his own.
He thrust one last time before collapsing against her, his head buried in her neck, as he waited for the world to stop spinning. Kendall shifted in his arms and turned onto her side so that she was facing him. Leaning forward she placed a kiss on his chest before lowering her head down to the floor. Zach caressed her cheek with his thumb before moving it over her lower lip. He felt the flicker of her tongue against his finger and his eyes darkened with arousal. He knew they should be catching their breath, not starting all over again, but he couldn't stop himself from leaning back in. One long, deep, wet kiss was all it took and he was rock hard again. He pulled her on top of him, his hands splaying her hips, and slowly lowered her onto his throbbing shaft. "God, Kendall, you feel so good," he ground out, his hips moving beneath hers. Kendall tightened herself around him and began to ride him, lifting herself slowly and quickly lowering herself back down. "I need more, Zach," she said breathlessly. "I need to feel you deep inside me, so deep that I don't know where you end and I begin." Her green eyes were dark with passion, her lips swollen from his kisses, her body full with child. To Zach, she had never looked more beautiful. He grasped her hips and angled them backwards, thrusting his hips upward at the same time he held her hard against him. Her scream filled the small cabin as her body convulsed around his. He found his release shortly after and gave out a hoarse cry. He pulled Kendall down gently on top of him, careful to shift her onto her side. Wrapping his arms around her, Zach waited for her to fall asleep before he lifted her in his arms and carried her to bed where they slept, entwined in each other’s arms.
******
"I'd almost given up on this, on us being together," he whispered against her temple, his arms wrapped tightly around her. "After what happened after the ball..." Kendall's body tensed, her eyes closing when she felt the beginnings of tears behind her eyes. "Kendall?" he asked. When she didn't respond, Zach pulled back to look at her face, a knot forming in his stomach when he saw her tears. "Hey," he said as he wiped her tears away with his thumb. "Kendall, what's wrong?" he asked, his hazel eyes filled with concern. Kendall met his gaze and reached up to cover his hand against her cheek. "I'm sorry, Zach. After the ball-" she stopped when Zach placed a finger over her lips. "You don't have any reason to be sorry. I deserved that and more." he said quietly. "I took away your choices and self-confidence." He ran his thumb gently under her eye. "I - I took away the light in your eyes." And I'll regret that for the rest of my life.
Kendall shook her head. "At the end of the day, Zach, I made the choice that night at the clinic, not you. If you want to blame someone, you have to blame us both." She exhaled slowly. "I keep thinking that if it hadn't happened, Spike wouldn't be here...and I'm grateful that he is." Kendall watched as Zach lowered his eyes and placed his hand on her stomach and began to caress it gently. She reached out and touched his face, bringing his eyes back to hers. "But that's not what I meant," she admitted as she took a deep breath. "I never should've demanded you fix things, fix us." she said, her eyes on his. "Especially after Ethan died. You needed me and I couldn't get past my own pain."
She felt the tears begin anew as he stroked her hair, his fingers wrapping themselves in her curls. "Kendall, I hurt you. I didn't expect you to-" Zach began only to have Kendall cut him off. "I should've been there to help you through your grief, Zach. You lost a son. Instead of being there for you, I was selfish and - and I had no right. I'm sorry, so sorry, Zach," she whispered, burying her face in his chest.
Zach could feel the tightness in his chest and sighed, suddenly reminded that he hadn't put his feelings about Ethan's death entirely behind him. He lifted Kendall's chin so that she'd meet his gaze and was humbled by the love and acceptance in her beautiful green eyes. "Thank you," he said hoarsely, his fingers gentle on her skin. She saw the tears in his eyes before he leaned forward and kissed her gently. Kendall wrapped her arms around him and pulled him to her, her mouth against his ear. "I'm here now, Zach. Let me in."
******
Several Hours Later
She watched in silence as he reached down for her hand and lifted it, turning it in his. Closing his eyes, he brought it to his lips, kissing her palm and the inside of her wrist before placing her hand on his cheek and nuzzling against it. Kendall caressed his cheek and leaned in to kiss him, before pulling back and smiling into his eyes. This is what love is, she thought to herself. Unconditional. She and Zach had shared everything tonight, their love, their hopes and dreams as well as their fears. They'd made love again afterwards, this time gently, almost reverently; each touch a caress, each sound a word of love. Kendall smiled and stretched, rolling onto her side and pulling Zach's arm around her. Zach moved up behind her, spooning against her as he closed his eyes and buried his face in her neck. The intoxicating scent that was all Kendall teased his senses, and he placed a soft kiss on her shoulder before releasing a sigh of contentment into her ear.
"I love you."
The End
Edited by: jekyll and hyde 6 at: 7/24/06 11:23 pm
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